Never Feel Guilty for Startng Again
Never feel guilty for starting again
Inaugural post — Exciting!
I wasn't quite sure if I wanted to attach a Medium presence to the brand I'm kind of, sort of, building out but, really everything in life is an experiment so we'll just see how this goes. How comfortable it feels, what the feedback is, how it integrates into everything else, etc. etc…
I should introduce myself. I'm not planning on advertising this Medium site too much, but an intro to anyone who comes across this is nice — it's always nice to get an idea of who you're talking to. My pen name is Ludmilla de Ghent. I first gave myself that alter-ego on the playground in 8th grade when I was joking around with friends after watching 'Ever After' with my Mom and sister the night before. In the Drew Barrymore classic, Anjelica Huston plays an evil Countess de Ghent. I think the hard "D" in the first name gives an otherwise highly aristocratic title some humor. Some lightness. I said the name and it got laughs, engaging based purely on the sound. The name seemed to already be a fully established persona, my theory is it sounds so old, it brings with it set history, so here I am — building upon something I lobbed out as kid. I'm really skittish about putting too much of myself out on social media so I'll use the pen name for now. I know it's weird to not be on social media but… I don't trust it. It's a public face for a private person and all the information is stored and kept in shadowy data centers…No thanks. But at the same time, it's how people connect now. And ironically enough, it's how people verify you're real. There's so much silliness in that contradiction but this post is not about social media or our changing social norms. Maybe I'll write something about that later.
I'm a millennial. Late millennial now. I grew up in the East Coast burbs, and although I truly didn't know it at the time, it was a privileged upbringing. I went to good schools, wasn't popular in high school but wasn't constantly picked on either. I have some thoughts now, with the clarity of adulthood and lots of Psych 101, that I actually do want to share. Maybe it could help someone whose struggling to understand why everyone seems so weird. Or why the things you're feeling internally seem like a tornado of mixed and opposing things. I've been through it, and you'll get through it to.
I've been out of college for a long time and am currently re-starting, hence the title of this first (FIRST!) post. I'm starting over again, and I'm trying to get closer to who I'm supposed to be / who I want to be / who I am. I picked the safe option last time, and it was obvious to just about everyone that my heart was never in it. Part of that judgement may have stemmed out of the cultural environment. I was in an unnecessarily competitive industry, and although everything is cordial on the surface there's this uncomfortable knowledge that everyone around you is competition. No one really has your back and they're all looking for reasons why they should be given priority over you. So you know, a corporate office job. But that's a part of the story — the world is not just tough, it can be awful. People can be really disappointing and they can hurt you. The warmth and love you feel from your family and friends, it exists on the shallowest of levels professionally. And it messes you up a lot. But we all exist in this world, and we have to make a living and provide for ourselves and our families. It would be great if the world changed and became less… horrifying, but as individuals we don't have control over that. Not really. We can (and should!) get involved, volunteer, vote, take as much control of our lives as we can… but as intelligent people I think we all know that whatever impact we have is inconsequential against the impact of these looming, larger forces. We don't have control over the world, how it operates, or the systemic rules in place. So how can we survive in it, provide for ourselves while not giving up too much of ourselves? Such a normal thing to ask, it's practically timeless, a question that's been echoing through time. I'm 1000% sure the first organisms were conflicted about expelling their waste into the water they live in (Joking, who knows, their waste may have been just more water. Scientists, get on this!) Getting back on track, I think that question has been asked so many times because we all struggle with it and we all have our own answers to it. This re-start has also given me time to muse about success, what it is, what it means, how it's measured (if at all), and I've learned that success is highly personal. It means different things to different people and it's important to define it for yourself. I'll def talk more about this in a future post.
So wait, what's the point of this? Well, like I said in the beginning, this is an experiment. Part of me needs an outlet, part of me needs to share, and part of me needs to process all the things that I'm trying to do as I'm getting back out there. And this introduction will continue. There are layers, like a wise green monster once said. So, hello world. My fake name is Ludmilla de Ghent. Let's get to know each other. I'm really hoping we make it through.
Source: https://medium.com/@genrejeunes/never-feel-guilty-for-starting-again-7c365903060b